"why are you so scared?" is what i ask my heart. he says he is confused. (I call my heart a 'he'... he is my man) There is something between him and complications... Some serious issue that they have with each other... for him, a straight line would have taken a lot of lefts, rights and U-turns to become straight... and NOW he is confused...
I don't understand how i should behaved... because i don't know how someone expect me to... A simple answer to this is: when u don't know how to behave, u behave the way u want to. But it doesn't seem the right thing to do... why?... Now because he is scared... scared of being judged... more scared of being misinterpreted...
Does it make sense to you if I say... Good friends, best friends or just friends... they keep secrets... they don't become secrets...
Again, should u worry about being judged by good friends, best friends or just friends? Or rather being misinterpreted by them?
Emotional, philosophical answer is no... u shouldnt worry they are friends, they understand...
but the actual real answer is yes... coz when words fumble and make the thoughts unclear... they might not understand...
and then things might not be the same anymore... opinions may form... and might 'complicate' things
thats another question i ask... why do u need to not like complications? sometimes... may be sometimes they are good
Now he is scared and he is confused... torn between choices... why cant we just randomly choose from the answer key... and tick A, B, C...
there are no set rules... new game... new rules... NEW RULES that are changeable at any time...
and now he is confused... coz he might not know how to play the game... And he is scared... not coz he might loose the game... its coz there is neither a clear winner nor a looser...
should u hold onto it or just let it go... like the way u have let others go?
its going to be morning soon... i see the orange streaks in the indigo sky... walking back home through 'the connection'... i see the fire in the flies... the silence has a music... the connection... staring at that directional infiniteness fills me with immense happiness... the lights turn red and the world i see, pauses... a moment of uneasy stagnancy... and they are green again... all at a time... and the world i see triggers back to motion flux... a sense of calmness in the continuous dynamics of the world... with this sense of certainty of motion, i leave the connection to reach my destination... and just in a spur of moment... the happiness diminishes... i am filled with insecurities, questions, distress and guilt... yes, guilt!... I look around to find assurance only to find a hollow emptiness... the quietness around is too noisy to bear... the vastness that contains me is too enormous to shrink within my confined realm... remember me? desperately waiting to break free and fly high? i now long adherence, a sense of belonging... you would call me crazy... i would call me crazy too... in a moment of life i find eternal bliss and in the same moment i loose all hope... split between this simultaneous contradiction.....
Dear Life, You’ve been a great party so far You’ve been strict as a teacher too. With you I saw beyond a look Believed more than I doubt Relieved from the backlog of past I relived every moment of smiles With little dissonance at times We’ve been better than best friends all times And now in complete harmony with each other Dear life, when I face with you, The infinity of that ocean to dive in and rejoice And the world with its steady pulse as music, I tip toe tip All I want to say is: It has been fun growing “young” with you.
Things were left unsaid
Words were left unspoken
Few strings left undone
A Life was left untouched
Feelings were unrevealed
Truth was disbelieved
Probably something, I so wished,
to be expressed...
Something unsaid,
that i needed to share...
This was not the way
it was to end...
Not a moment you left,
Time was to be kept on hold
I could bid you a "good bye"...
A "Good Bye", that was left untold.
“Keeping life so close and out of sign
No-one for hours sets a foot outdoors”
I have a cocoon called “me”
This is where I belong
May be that’s the reason, “why?”
I cannot belong to you
I pass every place I have been
Every person I have met
I see myself as one of you,
But I am still crowded alone
I suffer from worldliness
And I suffer in silence
I feel the adience
To break the boundaries & fly limitless
But I fear belonging nowhere
I don’t deny myself this struggle
I don’t deny my survival too…
I hear my own silence
Screaming its way to my conscious
Twisting it and leaving it blank-
With questions, unanswered. 5th Jan’10
Main Characters: ME, Tanvi & Sakshi (friend of Tanvi)
DAY 1:
Breathing the fresh air from the ever so awaited land of goa, early morning at 6… felt nothing less than Columbus who thought he finally reached the DESTINATION… but more was to come…
Took the bus to panaji… Walked to our temporary but comforting “home” : Youth Hostel”.. Surely was not a bad choice with a beach right next to it…
The whole day went in visiting various govt. and non-government. offices with no fruitful results in the end… the only saving grace was an evening trip to Miramar.
Key Attractions:
I walked 15.5 km across Panaji. (Now thats a big deal for me :0)
Finally getting hold of By-Laws (walking so much at last paid…)
the jetty @ kala academy
DAY 2:
It was a pleasant morning… spending time at the beach… wetting the feet in crystal clear water, spotting the crabs… it would surely add to my list of Random moments of life…
The mission was to hire a bike… Walking so much was surely not my cup of tea..
Can say a no gain day… Didn’t manage an appointment with Ar. Milind Ramani (my only life line left)… also didn’t manage an appointment with Mr. Phaldesai, Member Secretary of Kala Kendra… Things never seemed so impossible as today… If that was not enough, Couldn’t even access the library of Goa College of Architecture (I really admire my college after seeing the building. Even if without toilets, Dept of Architecture, M.S.U, is surely a piece of architecture).
But Mr. Hazra (Hod of G.C.A) and Mr. Nandkarni were co-operative…
Didn’t have anything else to do… so took a drive to Dauna-Paula ( the third option for my site)… Fortunately, lost my way and reached a jetty… that was a sight of admiration too… with all my favorite water sports being played there… But had to remind myself: I was there for work… Finally found the site as a plateau- much above the sea level and an amazing view of the beach.
Evening again spent with Tanvi at Miramar…
Key Attractions:
Had a very expensive lunch at a Goan Restaurant “Mum’s Kitchen”
I freaked out Tanvi badly, knowing that we were the only people at the youth hostel as Sakshi was away with a friend
DAY 3:
It was supposed to be our last day in goa, but that didn’t happen…
The good thing was - A meeting with Mr. Phaldesai.
-My final site visit to my “almost” final site..
-A meeting with Ar. Milind Ramani (now this is what I call the cherry on the cake.)
Things seemed to be falling in place after a long time… I think that was my misconception… coz more was yet to come… lolz…
Key Attractions:
A drive to Beach, A whole lot of shopping, Mambos….
And finally a Drive Back To Panaji…
DAY 4:
This is one day I’ll never forget in my life…!!!! Every single episode is the Key Attraction not only of the day but my life…
Headlines:
Early morning drive to Miramar again…
Finally a visit to Lady of the Immaculate Conception Church.
2 hours spent at the travel agent trying to confirm tickets for Mumbai… (Mission accomplished.)
Driving alone to old goa… to see those glorified churches… (That was my childhood fantasy… couldn’t leave goa without visiting these )
My argument with Sakshi after returning to panaji.
And we miss the train to Mumbai… coz of a lot of reasons… I will put the blame on traffic right now… (This is the event of my life now…)
Taking another train to Mumbai traveling in a General Ladies Dabba with all the stinking people, with hardly any place to sit…
End of the first chapter: Goa
Next chapter: Mumbai begins here…
DAY 4:
We “land” in Mumbai early morning… and enjoy the roller-coaster rickshaw ride from kurla to bandra station… all thanks to a weird- funky looking rickshaw- wala… Series of disappointments has not ended yet… we reach NCPA (Colaba), only to find out that its closed until Monday… managed to have a look at the campus until a security personal shooed us off… Needed some high dose of chocolate to deal with my anxiety… Thank u Tanvi… Theobroma was just what I needed… Blue colored sea in Mumbai was indeed a pleasant sight… Prithvi was again disappointing… we were not allowed in… but we were smart enough to get the tickets for the other day… another disappointment was that I couldn’t reach Mr. Makrand Deshpande, the main reason of me being in bbay.
Life saviors:
An hour spent at Mocha with Kartik… Chocolate gooey fudge. (Smita, I missed you while having it.)
Then Christmas at Mt. Marry, Bandra with Parag.
Band-stand… our all time favorite place during training. Parag, I surely know roads of Mumbai better than you.
Just couldn’t get over the fun we had together during training… missed you a lot guys…
DAY 5
“Alls well that ends well”… day starts with a very good play in the Morning… Visit to GoregaonFilmCity Studio… Momos at Oberoi Mall are yuks! Don’t try them…
Had to buy a new bag to accommodate my excess shopping to it… my present bag was in real crisis…
I really need to thank Parag for being such a nice and sweet host to me… Thank you so much… We met for the first time… but I am pretty sure, he knows very well who Ankit, Astha, Smita & Rahul are. I am not even surprised if he calls me a Chatter Box… Thank you so much again
The show stopper of the whole trip was not one but two episodes:
A drive through Bandra-WorliSea link...(God! i spent 250 Rs for this, but believe me it was worth it) Amazing piece of engineering… am still speechless…
Finally, an interaction with Mr. Makrand Deshpande… truly had lost hopes for it… but as they say “efforts finally paid…”
Thus, there came a happy ending to a trip I’ll never forget…
The name of the blog had not been thought about... it had just been somethin to create the account that my friend was creating for me... but today wen i thought of it again... i realise this name is exactly wat i wanted it to be... its just an expression... an expression that i had been longin to express... expression of a lot of things... me, my college, my friends, my frustrations... everything about the world that revolves around ME!
